MARRIAGE ACCORDING TO THE SCRIPTURES
R.W.Bowie (Bardon, Queensland, Australia)
Introduction
I was speaking to a young woman a couple of years ago who was living with her boy friend and asked her why they were not getting married. Her reply was, “Why bother, look at the number of people getting divorced, besides, it’s just a piece of paper, isn’t it ? And that was the end of it. Or is it? It’s true, in Australia, out of every 100 marriages, 40 end in divorce and many others just break up and separate. But many do not realise that the rate of separation and break down in de facto relationships is even higher.
Researchers in Australia uncovered a number of facts; in de facto relationships, only 23.9 % have confidence that it will last, whereas in marriages the confidence level is 60 %. In Christian marriages, the % is higher still. Only 85.8 % of de facto couples felt a warm relationship whereas 98 % of Christian married couples reported having a warm, or very warm, relationship. A sense of security and the level of harmony were also rated higher in married couples than in de facto couples.
Researchers also found that “there are significant connections between higher levels of Christian faith and healthier marriages” across all four areas, security, intimacy, harmony and agreement about roles in the relationship. “Those people with low or no Christian belief are more likely to be experiencing a cold and insecure relationship as well as discord and conflict with their partner”, not that Christian married couples were ‘perfect’ by any means, only that they were “more likely to produce healthier marriages” (Page 8, Christian Spirituality & Relational Wellbeing”, Diocese of Sydney, Social Issues, Oct. 2005. See also “21 Reasons Why Marriage Matters”, published by the National Marriage Coalition, in NSW.
I mention these facts so that if any of you have children or grandchildren contemplating marriage or a de facto relationship you can set them right, or if any of you young people out there ever talk nonsense about living with someone because marriage doesn’t work or that it’s just a piece of paper, you will look at the facts and do the right thing and save yourself much heartache. So what is Christian Marriage?
Christian Marriage.
What does the Bible teach? Whole sections of the Bible talk about marriage, but let’s just look at one foundational passage from the lips of Jesus Himself. (Matt 19.4-6) Jesus said, “Have you not read that He who made them male and female, said ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? (Gen 2.24) So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder”. (This is not some Archbishop talking; it’s Jesus Christ Himself: God incarnate!)
In this short passage, no less than ten important truths can be learned.
1. Marriage was instituted and ordained by God; it was not something we humans invented. It is a sacred Covenant and promise made by the couple to each other and to God, and it is God who blesses and solemnises the marriage, not the Priest who is simply acting on God’s behalf.
2. Marriage was given by God to provide a stable, secure and loving family environment both for the couple and importantly, for their children, so that the children can grow up well into maturity physically, intellectually emotionally and spiritually. This is so important for our present fragmented society.
3. Marriage is heterosexual, for male and female, not for male and male or female and female! God clearly intended marriage for men and women.
4. Marriage involves sexual privilege and responsibility; to provide and promote physical and emotional well being of each other by becoming “one flesh” as Jesus said. Sex is our God given privilege to bless one another, but not to be misused and Paul adds, “Do not deprive one another, except my mutual consent for a time, for the purpose of prayer and fasting” (I Cor.7.5).
5. Marriage is monogamous, it’s for one man and one woman, they become “man and wife”, not man, and concubines! .
6. In marriage “the two become one flesh”. Becoming “One flesh” begins with the consummation of the marriage in sexual intercourse (a marriage can be annulled if no sexual intercourse has taken place!) but becoming “one flesh” is also a lifelong process, a growing experience of unity, harmony and love where they progressively become one. Just occasionally I’ve met one or two long time married couples who seem to illustrate this beautiful oneness, reflecting as couples the very image of God in the loving and tender way they relate to each other, not embarrassed to smile at each other and hold hands in public (I can hear my wife saying ‘why can’t you be more like that’). God has very high ideals for us married couples (Gen.1.27).
7. Separation from old ties, “A man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife” and she likewise! Old ties obviously means not hanging on to Mum’s apron strings or running back home when things get tough; it also means a certain amount of cutting down (but not cutting off) old associations; but certainly cutting off all unnecessary association with old “flames ” unless you wish to get hospitalised soon after marriage !
8. Marriage is permanent; it is commitment of one’s whole life for the whole of one’s life; not just for 6 months to see how things go! Marriage is “till death us do part” for Jesus underlined it and said “What God has joined together let no one put asunder”. Permanency is also implied in the “one flesh” concept for to sever the relationship at any time is tantamount to ripping open one’s flesh. Some of you know from experience the excruciating pain of marriage break up and divorce.
9. Marriage is Sacred, that’s why the Church calls it a Sacrament in which God’s love and grace is communicated to the couple as they seek to walk with God and love each other. Marriage is therefore Divine as well as human, physical as well as spiritual, earthly as well as heavenly.
10. Marriage is both binding as well as freeing, you are bound irrevocably to your spouse and become one with him/her, with responsibility to serve God, each other and your family. The Marriage “bond”, does not mean bondage for “God’s service is perfect freedom” so couples have to be careful not to enslave each other by unreasonable demands or bullying, rather you are free to be yourself, free to pursue your career, wishes and plans, using your gifts and talents to the fullest, and free to please God and bless your family. Agape Love means desiring the best for your spouse’s growth and development. That’s true freedom.
What are some practical implications for us ?
In view of the above, we can honestly say “Marriages are made in heaven”!
But what happens when they come off the assembly line “? We’ve got to negotiate our way through all kinds of pitfalls, pot holes and problems.
Are there any guidelines for us in the Manufacturer’s Manual, the Bible?
Here are a few which my wife and I have found helpful, basic, but important; a few tips, if you like from a couple of P platers, who have been driving together through rain, hail and sunshine, roadblocks and potholes and even minor breakdowns for 48 years and still learning, God helping us.
i. “Love not just in word but in deed”, says the Good Book; though I find ‘she who must be obeyed’ sometimes prefers to hear loving words as well.
One time she said ‘when did you last say to me ‘I love you’? ! So I reply ‘do I need to say it? I’ve given you 4 kids, 8 grandkids and a great granddaughter, isn’t that enough? “No, I want to hear it” says she. Reminds me of sit-com
character Raymond who was asked by his wife in the presence of a couple of their lip -locked friends “When did you last kiss me like that ? And he replies “I kissed you at our wedding”. “Yes” she snarls, “Ten years ago” . As Christians we are still learning that love (agape) really means doing for and pleasing the other person not yourself; so occasionally take her hand and say the 3 magic words! (If you want to say it now, go ahead, don’t feel shy!)
ii. Husbands give the lead in loving. We seem to have been given the tougher role (you asked for it, you want to be the head of the house!) So God says “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her (on the cross)”. Love her to death, your death not hers! But nowhere does God’s Book say “Wives love your husbands as Jesus loved the Church”. Adam and Eve must have known what God wants so Eve asks ‘Adam will you always love me ? And Adam replies ‘Who else?’.
Women, don’t get all hot under the collar because the Good Book adds, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands...as the Church submits itself to Christ”; submission is not a four letter word (as you can see !) it simply means ‘wives co operate with your husbands in the life God has called you to live as couples for the good of each other and your children. It is just another aspect of agape love; if husbands love like Jesus, why would wives have any problem with submitting or cooperating with husbands? So maybe it rests with us husbands !
iii. God cares more about our unity and harmony than who is in the right! When I have sometimes had to remember this, and cut short the argument! God’s Word says “How good it is for brothers, couples, friends, church members, etc to live in UNITY... “for it’s there the Lord bestows His blessing”. (Psalm 133). God has had to tell me often “try showing her how much you love her rather than how right you are.” Or He might say “Don’t argue, just walk away”. I did once or twice, and she said ‘yes walk away, you can’t face the truth, can you’. Can’t win!
iv. Marriage is a partnership not a competition; you’re both working for the same firm, which is God and your marriage and family. I don’t understand why one has to win and the other lose; I guess it’s part of our culture where T.V. competitions and game shows are so popular.
v. Keep a lid on your temper. You can’t? Yes you can! Once I was just about to blow my top with my saintly wife over something I had told her five hundred times and I was working up to a nice high tyre pressure when the door bell rang; it was the neighbour Carol who wanted something or other and I had to deflate, put on my best smile and say Carol, come on in “. We can keep a lid
on our temper if we want ! Don’t let it get to the boiling point as with the fellow who had a violent row with his wife and had to see his doctor ! The doc said, what happened to the right side of your face it’s all red and bruised ? And the fellow replied, “My wife is left handed “. “Be angry but do not sin,” means be assertive without being rude or bad tempered. Keep short accounts; if you have hurt or offended your spouse, apologise ASAP, don’t wait a day- don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Sometimes the Holy Spirit works in our conscience and you have to apologise. (story of church minister). One of the ways you can keep the lid on is obviously “turn the other cheek”. That’s what the wisest person in the world, Jesus Christ said so it must work. In fact He went a lot further and said if someone wants to take your coat, give him your shirt as well or if he wants you to go one mile go with him two miles; in today’s language, “if you’re busy and your wife wants a lift to the local 727 store, don’t make excuses, take her to Indooroopilly shopping town!”
vi. Don’t focus on each other’s faults your spouse already knows her faults and yours as well ! Don’t criticise; Jesus says “Why look at the speck of dust in your spouse’s eye when you can’t see the timber log in your own eye , you hypocrite “. Focussing on each other’s faults is a mug’s game anyway; it’s the stupidest thing you can do because you know very well it’s going to blow up in your face. It’s safer to light the fuse on a hand grenade and shove in your pocket than to have a show down with your spouse by criticising her or him.
vii. Finally, Make love, not war ! Be nice, speak gently, don’t be belligerent; That’s why God has given us sex ! Funny, when I feel loving I don’t see any of her faults, but when I get mad at her, I can summon up 50 of her faults in a second! And I daresay she could do so too. Sex is a most important expression of our love and also the way our love grows. So make time for it. It’s nice when it is spontaneous, but it can often go by the board because we are all so busy. So set aside the day or time and try and stick to it. I may be wrong but it seems to be physiologically more urgent for the husband than for the wife to engage sexually, so the smart wife will make good use of this weapon to keep her marriage going well, rather than using it as a weapon of mass destruction !
O perfect Love, all human thought transcending
Lowly we kneel in prayer before Thy throne,
That ours may be the love which knows no ending
Whom Thou for evermore hast joined in one.
Grant us the joy which brightens earthly sorrow
Grant us the peace which calms all earthly strife ,
Grant patient hope and quiet brave endurance,
With childlike trust that fears not pain nor death.
Amen
(Adapted)